Tuesday, October 14, 2008

so we're speeding towards that time of year

To the day that marks that you're not here.

I never imagined we'd lose one of us. Our group was strong. We were smart. We played hard and loved harder. Through the gossip, the betrayals, and the bitter fights there was a string pulling us close, sewing our hearts together, insuring our fates would be entwined. Walking into each others houses without knocking, long bike rides, a lot of laughter and quite a few tears.

How could a piece of our handpicked family ever go missing?
How could we survive without the one person who stayed mostly neutral?
How could we possibly make videos of our adventures without the girl who was attached to her camera?
Would we ever again fill up couches with way too many girls, eat far too much junk food, and watch The Goonies?

Listening to LFO or Kanye didn't seem right. Stepping near a tennis court would only invoke pain. Kicking around a soccer ball, hopping on a bike, even looking at a skateboard is like a dagger to the heart.

Once we had to do a project together where we had to find and pin down insects. Neither of us could agree on when to do the project, which caused a small fight. Of course the conflict was resolved quickly, she never stayed angry long. She never stayed anywhere long- as amazing as she was she'd never be pinned down, there was no box that could hold her exuberance.

I miss her every day, and I know nothing will change that. I miss her sense of adventure and her inventive ideas. It's painful every time that I reach for my phone to call her to tell her a story I know she'd love. But I know that missing her means that she is forever a part of me. I'll always love her. We'll all always love her. And that string that keeps us all together, it keeps her with us always.

and the words still ring,
once here now gone
and they echo through my head everyday
and I don't think they'll ever go away
just like thinking of your childhood home
but we cant go back we're on our own
oh, but i'm about to give this one more shot
and find it in myself

i'll find it in myself

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